I Think We're Close Enough

I love this. I love the sound, the feeling, the aesthetic of the video. I can feel the palatable anticipation of the stories. Makes me want to go out and meet someone to love.

Planes, Trains and Heartache

Wanna know something dumb? I am constantly composing posts in my head but I just never write them. I convince myself that my content is boring or too navel-gazey or trivial. Tonight, I was going through that vicious cycle, decided it was bullshit, got out of bed (yes I got in bed at 9 on a Friday, what are you going to say about it?) and grabbed the computer.

Ok. So. Now what to write about...?

How 'bout them Bears? Is that even still a team? Did they get sold or move somewhere? I'm constantly learning three years too late that a team has changed its name, moved or got sold or crashed into an airplane and the whole franchise died.

.... I don't really care.

I recently came back from a trip to visit my family. Some are literal family, some are figurative family. Either way I traveled the South spending time with people (sans one very good friend in NoVA who is owed a visit for sure- she knows who she is) who've known me the longest in my life. Somehow they still like me. I was nervous I tried to see too many people in a week's span. I can confidently say that I could've happily spent more time with each. I surprised my college friend Tina and finally met my "nephew" (with whom I'm now obsessed) and spent a few days with her family. I got to wish my dad a happy birthday in person (albeit a day early). Finally I was able to see my mother and sister and "new dad" David for a few days. I laughed a lot. The only downside was once I got home I realized I missed everyone with a terrible pang. See, this whole time I've lived away from them I thought I missed them less. Turns out I always miss them. I just get used to the pain.

People ask me when they find out that I moved to Albany for my now ex if I'll move to be closer to my family. I answer no. None of us are from Atlanta or Pawleys Island. I wouldn't be moving home. I would be starting all over again. I've done that enough. I've done that a total of six-ish times. I've filled my "starting over again" quota. Besides, I have a job I love, REALLY LOVE, in a company I truly believe in. I have friends who have guided me through the shit and who make me feel like I belong. I love the community in which I live. I love the weather here. (Dude, the humidity down there!! ACK!! It was like moving through soup. Hot, frizzy soup. This is where my vanity kicks in and I tell you that I love my curly hair way way waaaaaaay too much to put it through that shit.)

I also don't know if those loved ones are going to stay where they are. Wouldn't it suck nuts if I moved there and in a few years someone got transferred or decided "eff this?" I'd have to live under a climate-controlled dome with a job making rainbows and raising baby unicorns and kidnap all my friends to go down there with me to risk all that I have up here.

That being said, there's a hole in my heart when I'm away from them. No amount of Skype or phone conversation or email or text or Facebook can fill that. I just need to figure out a way to make it happen on the regular. Got any ideas? Cheap ones? Free ones?

Where Oh Where?

Something really weird is happening with my appetite. I'm still as hungry as I was before this shift but something happened with the food I find appealing. I used to be obsessed with Chex Mix. Like, OBSESSED. I also had a thing for, like any baked goods. If it was a carb I would would crave it like I was some mad chipmunk in the fall getting my carb stores ready for the freeze. But all year round. It was awesome and terrible at the same time.

Now...? Well, with P90X I'm following the nutrition guide and for the first five weeks (I'm in week eight) I had only one carb serving a day, not including fruit- of which I had one serving a day as well. The carbs had to be whole wheat. No chocolate, no sweetener. It was pretty rough going for a while there. But I did it. After a few weeks I let a little bit of chocolate back in but it wasn't the same. This isn't my first food cleanse, I've done two before. But the goal is different this time. I'm eating for a greater purpose than just general wellness- I have a physical goal. I'm eating to fuel myself for a specific workout for specific results. As a result, I just don't crave stuff that was only pleasure eating. A negative- I don't look forward to food like I used to. Now I eat because I have to. Where's the fun in that? Sad panda. I'm in the phase that ups the carb servings to three a day as for fuel. I'm enjoying this phase a lot better.

Honestly I thought I would see more of a transformation in my body. Other people in my class have dropped visible weight. Me? Not so much. I have discernible results, totally. I can do push-ups on my toes and not on my knees. I can do plyometrics in longer stretches. I'm pushing myself more than ever. These are things I couldn't say eight weeks ago. That all said, I'd be lying if I didn't think it would be more drastic.

Yeah, yeah- everyone's body is different. I didn't eat that poorly before and my body is different from the Katherine from just a few years ago. I can't expect crazy results. All I can expect is that I become stronger. That is already the case. It's only up from here. And it'll be even better without all the muffins and croissants weighing me down.

The Post Where I Yell a Lot

My Team in Training Marathon got derailed due to injury. I didn't post about it because I was pretty upset. I had a goal that was to help others and help get me through the end of the shitty year that was 2012. I raised half of the $3800 goal and athe money I raised still went to Team in Training and it wasn't a total bust. So that's good. In the meantime I haven't been running since September. For those of you keeping track it's now the END OF MARCH. I've missed running and the fresh air it forces me to gulp down but I couldn't risk greater injury and permanent damage. At least I missed running in the Winter and not the wonderful running seasons of Autumn and Spring. BUT STILL!

So what happened? My physical therapist discovered that I strained the muscle that lifts the leg, the equivalent of the cow's tenderloin muscle. Then with more work we found out that a big butt muscle (a literal pain in my ass) tightened up to the point that it caused my other muscles to over-compensate and it didn't manifest until my front-hip made it impossible for me to run or walk without searing pain. After THREE MONTHS of mother-loving therapy (MERRY CHRISTMAS BANK ACCOUNT) I got the go-ahead to start light workouts with some serious stretching pre and post workouts.

Here I am. Seven months later and back at my heaviest weight since I started Weight Watchers eight (EIGHT!!!!) years ago. During therapy I tried swimming, Pilates and yoga. Those were the least impact and I still had some pain. So all I could do was therapy. When I had the okay I started doing some elliptical training. Boring. I started walking on the treadmill. BOOOORING. I saw some posters around my gym offering a P90X class. INTERESTING. I've had my eye on the DVDs for years but I knew it was too much money for me to spend on new coasters. Also, I don't have anyone pushing me or making sure my form is correct. Here was the solution to all those quandaries. A CLASS!!! I thought about it for a week, took the first intro class and signed up!

I know what you're thinking, "Katherine, you CRAZY." Yes. Yes I am. But not this time. The workouts are varied so there isn't repetitive movement and so far NO INJURY. This is great. I get nutrition information, I get someone telling me to squat deeper, my pants are looser in two weeks! WHAT? THIS IS AMAZING. There couldn't have been better timing. I mean, I miss chocolate and beer but there's an end date and I have a goal. This will make me stronger, faster and more energetic. I don't expect to become Superwoman, but I will be the most SUPER KATHERINE that ever existed. Wish me luck!

Shhh. I'm Self Reflecting Over Here.

Something people don't believe about me is that I am more of an introvert than an extrovert. People seem to have a hard time making the following facts jive with one another:

1. I am not shy. Not at all. I have a hard time with a cold introduction, like if I'm at a party by myself or only know one other person, but I can figure it out eventually and tend to do well speaking with people I don't know. And once you get me talking, look out. Amiright? Like, you can't shut me up if you tried.

2. I love to spend time by myself. I do it as much as possible. If I didn't have a cat who loves to talk to me about philosophy, there could be entire weekends where I don't speak to a single living creature. And I am okay with that. A night in at home is gold. GOLD!

That has to do with the reality that introversion and extroversion is how people draw their energy. I have a lot of introverted friends and we talk introversion theory with one another because we find a lot of people, most likely extroverts, don't understand how we need time to recharge and reflect and draw energy from that. That lack of understanding tends to lead to conflict. Extroverts draw energy from other people- being out, doing stuff. I'm not saying that once in a while I reconnect with people and feel recharged and reconnected to the world. That's because I'm not a shy misanthropic hermit.

Parties have an expiration time for me. I would be ready to go far earlier for me than it would for my ex- no matter how much fun I was having. After years of pushing through my comfort zone we ended up being some of the last people at the party every time. But once I got home I would turn in towards myself. I wouldn't talk to anyone at home. I just hit my saturation point and it was time for me to shut down and recharge. I needed far, far more quiet introspection time than my ex did. And it created some problems.

My mother is the solitary extrovert in a family of five. I realized years after moving out that my brother, sister, father and myself tended to spend a lot of time alone. I read and listened to entire albums uninterrupted. My dad read and... read. My brother drew and created his own comics. My sister... I don't know what she did exactly but it wasn't anything with me. My mother craved time and interaction and still does- very much so. That lead to many fights and conflicts with me and other members of my family. But now I'm better equipped to understand her and deal with that. (And I live thousands of miles away and only have to push out of my zone for a few days at a time. So it's manageable. Aaaand I love my mom and try to be better for her.)

This all being said, I love talking with people. I love sharing things about me with others. I love, love, love public speaking. This wasn't always the case. I have my theatre background to thank for that. I used to be deathly afraid of speaking in front of people and was painfully shy. I would be sick to my stomach in new social situations or on presentation day. Realizing that was a hurdle to jump over for overall life success (in what I wanted to accomplish with mine) I ended up in a theatre class (story forthcoming.) There I learned that being open about myself with others was how deep and meaningful connections are made and people learn that they aren't so alone out there.

So. Check out this TED Talk about introversion and its place in our society that celebrates extroversion. And then go out and hug your favorite introvert today.

I'll Be Happy with Simple, Better Things

Dear 2012, 

You were pretty rough. Easily my worst year ever. I kind of hate you. But you've brought me closer and more meaningful friendships, refreshed old ones like they were new again, brought me two great and fulfilling jobs, an adorable apartment, and a happier and stronger me. I am forever grateful, but I'm ready to let you go. 

Love, Katherine

Third Time's a Charm or Three Strikes?

For the holidays this year, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I thought I would volunteer. Charities always have too many volunteers during the holidays so it's best to call ahead and schedule yourself to volunteer. I took a little too long to find a charity to sign up for Thanksgiving so I was coming up dry, but when my yoga instructor called a place and signed us up as a class, I had found my turkey day gig. I was going to deliver meals door to door for a few hours with the charity Equinox.

My friend Colleen decided she wanted to volunteer as well so we set up to meet at 11am since my instructor said deliveries of meals would be from around 11am-1pm. This was going to be GREAT! I was a little late for two reasons, one- I am always late, two- I was on the phone with various family members from all over the world all morning. When I got there, Colleen was patiently waiting. She and I went into the Empire State Plaza, where the meals were to be picked up, and saw caution tape everywhere and fold-up tables all akimbo. And very few people... When we found an employee of the charity we discovered that they ran out of food because volunteers to deliver line up starting at 5am. FIVE FLIPPITY DOO A.M. Colleen and I didn't stand a chance. We had no freaking idea! I mean, it's great, wonderful even, that so many people step up on the holidays. But INSANE!! So we helped them clean up and we were on our merry way to our respective celebrations.

I was bummed, yeah. As my mom would say, and she said it, believe me many times, that my heart is in the right place. Okay. Okay. My heart can stay there, I still want to actually do something. But this isn't about me. I had to remind myself that. People were helped and that's all that matters.

In my calling around for Thanksgiving I found out the Capital Region Interfaith Partnership needed help this past Tuesday preparing their holiday dinner. I had vacation time to burn so I took the afternoon off to prepare all the side dishes for the holiday dinner that would take place the following day. I ended up being a little late because one- I am always late, two- I had a morning meeting that went longer than anticipated. So as I left work I called to tell them I was on my way, that I didn't forget. The coordinator- a very, very nice fellow- told me that they had just finished and that I didn't need to head over any longer. ... He told me to show up at 1! It was 1:15! What happened? "Oh, it was a small kitchen so the fewer number of us were very efficient and we just churned it out. But I'll keep your name for the future. Thanks anyway!" Ok. Great. That's great. I literally turned around and just went back to work since I had to work my second job and wouldn't really have had an afternoon off anyway.

Still bummed. My mom reminded me my heart is in the right place. But this also isn't about me. People were helped and that's all that matters. The job got done.

As my dad said, "What does it take to volunteer in this town!?" I don't know Dad. I just don't know. I'm oh for two up in here. BUT! There's a third opportunity to redeem myself. Christmas Eve two friends of mine and I are going to help out at The Ronald McDonald house with last minute Christmas things such as gift wrapping, gift delivery and other preparations. Again, I'm very excited. What can I say, I'm excitable! I'm going to be there right on time. I WILL NOT BE LATE. NO WAY. I will leave early and I will not call anyone within three hours of when I need to be there. This will happen! And if it doesn't- if I arrive on time and everything is done- then what needed to be done got done. People were helped. And that's all that matters.

No Mustache Rides

The other day I walked into my cubicle and found a business card of girl who works in a salon. It was wringing bells in my brain but I couldn't place why it would be on my desk with no note. I read the card and it said she cut hair, did nails and waxing. My hands immediately rose to my upper lip. And I pulled out my compact to see just how bad it was.

I became convinced that someone was leaving me a passive aggressive note reminding me to get my mustache taken care of. I'd run out of bleach and just keep forgetting to get more. I just needed a little reminder to MYSELF. Not from other people. Why?? What was happening? Was it really, REALLY that bad? Then I remembered that it was because I was admiring my coworker's nails and she said she'd get me the info so I could get a totally affordable manicure.

Someone needs to calm down. That someone is me.